NFL Week 13 Picks and Annoying Players from the Past
This has been a tough week for yours truly to be his grumpy old self. You see since watching my Michigan Wolverines finally rise to the occasion and beat the absolute crap out of those annoying Ohio State Weasels last Saturday it’s been all roses, rainbows and unicorns. I mean I seriously had no idea what I was going to write about this weekend because I wasn’t feeling the least bit grumpy.
But then it happened. I sat down to watch the Cowboys Saints game on Thursday night and saw one commercial that changed everything. I was grumpy once again.
And it all has to do with Kurt Warner. Yes, sometimes it’s hard out here for a Grump, until you see a commercial for a movie about Kurt Warner and his annoying wife and everything changes.
The Kurt Warner Story?
Yup it took just one commercial to send me from happy to grumpy and if memory serves it was the first one after kickoff, so I didn’t even get to enjoy any of the game before my focus became this ridiculous Kurt Warner movie.
Why on God’s Green Earth is there a movie being made about Kurt Warner? Why? Did I ask why? I mean literally everyone knows this story. Guy went to a school in Iowa, couldn’t get an NFL job, took a job stocking shelves in a grocery store, played in the Arena League, finally got a shot with the Rams and made his debut when Trent Green suffered a season ending knee injury in 1999. Warner went on to lead the Rams to a Super Bowl win and became a great QB while the TV cameras endlessly showed his loving spikey haired mother, I mean wife seated in the stands during what seems like every game from 1999 until he retired.
I mean who doesn’t know this story? It has been told and re-told and re-told more than the story of Noah and the Ark. Do we really need a movie about it? Well, we did get a movie about Noah, so yes I guess we do need a movie about Kurt Warner and I have to confess I’m a little ashamed that I didn’t know one was being made because it’s downright hysterical.
So, since first seeing the commercial and immediately deciding it would be this week’s lead story, I did some research on this ridiculous idea.
Apparently the film and I use the term loosely, was announced on July 7, 2021 by Kurt Warner on Twitter with a first look at the trailer accompanied by this so inspiring quote – “destiny belongs to the underdogs.”
Really? So this football destiny you speak of belongs to the Detroit Lions and the New York Jets and the Jacksonville Jaguars? I’m sure their fans will be happy to hear it.
But while Warner may be an underdog I wouldn’t call a team dubbed “The Greatest Show on Turf” with the likes of Marshall Faulk, Torry Holt, Isaac Bruce and Orlando Pace and a damn fine defense boasting players like Kevin Carter, D’Marco Farr, London Fletcher, an underdog.
So, the whole Rams underdog thing doesn’t really ring true. But I digress. This is about the Kurt Warner Story, so back to the ridiculousness.
“As long as I have a ball in my hand, I feel alive. Kind of like I feel right now.” Oy, if this scene where Warner first meets his soon to be wife in a bar that leads off the trailer is any indication of the quality of this film (again, loosely) well it’s possible we’re looking at a Best Picture nominee here.
Seriously though, the credits show that the guy who co-wrote American Underdog was also a co-writer on the 2004 film Friday Night Lights, based on Buzz Bissinger’s best-selling book. That’s hard to believe based on the line above, but not hard to believe is this guy also co-wrote V.I. Warshawski, the 1991 mess of a movie starring Kathleen Turner and Executive Produced by one Jeffrey Lurie. Yes, Lurie was in the movie biz before he bought the Philadelphia Eagles in 1994.
Further research into American Underdog shows that the idea’s genesis came in 2002 when Co-Director Andrew Erwin was an ESPN Cameraman shooting Super Bowl XXXVI between the St. Louis Rams and the New England Patriots led by another underdog, the GOAT Tom Brady. I’m sure his movie isn’t far behind.
Here’s a quote from Andrew Erwin on what he was thinking in that moment, “I was sitting there on the sidelines and I remember before the game, watching (Kurt) look at the stands, and seeing this beautiful, spiky-haired, tough-as-nails woman sitting there — his wife, Brenda. And I always was intrigued, like, ‘I wanna know more about that story.”
Yes let’s absolutely learn more about Kurt’s annoying big mouth overexposed wife with her spiky hair, loud cheering and clapping and ranting on radio stations to complain when her husband was being criticized. Count me out.
I couldn’t find any figures on the budget of this gem, but based on the trailer I can’t imagine it was much. The uniforms look bad, Dennis Quaid’s hair looks worse and Shazam star Zachary Levi’s throwing motion is laughable. It’s easier to believe that he’s Shazam than Kurt Warner. Actually, it’s easier to believe that Shazam exists than that Levi is Kurt Warner.
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Let’s Talk About Another Annoying Former NFL Quarterback
When the Washington Football Guys travel to Las Vegas to take on the Raiders, it will mark fifty-one years since the two teams first met in Oakland in the first Monday Night Football appearance for both teams on October 19, 1970. The Oakland Raiders would take down the Washington Redskins 34-20.
The two teams haven’t played each other a lot since then, but there have been some memorable games, most notably Super Bowl XVIII. The Raiders lost to Washington during the regular season 37-35, but got sweet revenge in the Super Bowl rematch with a 38-9 win, powered by Marcus Allen’s 191 rushing yards which included a 74-yard touchdown run and Jack Squirek’s interception return for a touchdown just before the half.
Joe Theismann was Washington’s QB and in true Theismann fashion he’d blame the play call and the result on Head Coach Joe Gibbs saying “So now I’m jogging on the field and I just don’t feel good about this. I don’t like this. It doesn’t make sense…But it didn’t matter. The sovereign lord has made the decision, so I’m just going to go with it.”
What a standup guy that Theismann is, huh? Its a good story, but not my favorite about Theismann. That has to be when when Joe was divorcing his second wife Jeanne Caruso Theismann, her attorney said in his opening statement when Jeanne asked Joe why he had an extramarital affair, “he said, and I quote, ‘God wants Joe Theismann to be happy.’”
And Now for an Annoying Former NFL Wide Receiver
Another storied rivalry in Week 13 is renewed when the Los Angeles Chargers travel to Cincinnati to take on the Bengals. The Chargers lead the series 22-15, but when I think of this matchup, I remember the 1981 AFC Championship Game. The kickoff temperature of minus 9 and the minus 59-degree wind chill on January 10, 1982 made it the coldest game in NFL history and it was dubbed the “Freezer Bowl.”
The San Diego Chargers offense led by Dan Fouts, Charlie Joiner and Kellen Winslow was a high flying unit, but they were grounded on that day, losing 27-7 to the Bengals and rookie wide receiver Cris Collinsworth.
Is it me or does everyone outside of Cincinnati hate this guy? There’s a Facebook page called Cris Collinsworth Sucks. There’s a Twitter Page called Cris Collinsworth Sucks. And there are countless memes about how Cris Collinsworth sucks.
Is it because he infuriated Eagles fans with his bias against them and love for everything Tom Brady in Super Bowl LII? Is it because he continually says “Now here’s a guy?” Is it because he doesn’t really know what an RPO is, or just really likes to say RPO? Or is it because people just want him to STFU more than they do Joe Buck?
Whatever the reason, when I tune into tonight’s Broncos Chiefs game I’ll be tempted to put the game on mute with the closed captioning turned on.
Good news for Cris Collinsworth haters, as a player he lost both Super Bowls he appeared in and he coughed up the costly fumble that led to the 49ers winning touchdown in their Super Bowl XVI win over the Bengals 26-21.
Now there’s a guy.
Jackass of the Week
For this week’s Jackass I was going to go with LeBron James for his whining about having to figure out a way to get home from Sacramento by himself without anyone travelling with him, no security or anything for Covid Protocols, but that’s just a narcissist being a narcissist, so I’ll go with Brian Kelly.
How can you leave the team of men who have busted their asses for you when you still have a chance to make the College Football Playoff and while you have coaches out recruiting while you’re weaseling around and accepting the Head Coach position at LSU and then you tell your team by text? And you put on a fake Southern accent during your first speech at LSU? What is that all about?
And his daughter Grace still has to finish her senior year at Notre Dame. At least she could find some fun in the situation with a Tik Tok video where she types on her computer as text reads “when you still have to graduate from Notre Dame in five months, but your dad already left for LSU…Ready to get booed on my way to class every morning.”
Nice one Grace.
Grumpy’s Pick(s) of the Week
After taking last week off, I’m back with two picks for Week 13.
I’ll take the Chargers +3 against the Bengals and the Colts -10 vs the Texans.
If you’d like to check out the game, total and props lines head over to The Props Network NFL page.
Enjoy week 13 and I hope you are fortunate.